How to Learn When You are New to BDSM

I had a man contact me recently whose girlfriend wants him to dominate her, pretty hard. He was unsure of where to start, and was looking for some advice. This was my response. It is based on my experience with my clients as a professional submissive and my personal play. With his permission, I posted it.

In BDSM, I’ve found three main ways of learning–research, mentorship, and practice.

Research:

I would highly recommend going to http://www.kinkacademy.com. I have learned SOOOO Much from going to that site. It is extremely inexpensive for the wealth of information that you get.

There is a massive amount of information on the internet. For example, I just googled “How to Use Restraints BDSM” (that was the first thing on your list of your gf’s likes) and one of the first things I came upon was:

When I first took this job, I also got subscriptions to several http://www.kink.com channels, which is hardcore BDSM porn. They might seem intimidating at first as they are quite hardcore, the rope bondage as intricate and done by professionals, but they can be the breeding ground for a lot of ideas. You can see what really stimulates you watching it. They can give you ideas on how to talk to your girlfriend in a Dominant and degrading way, for example.

There are also a variety of classes that people teach. From kinky conventions (like Frolicon in Atlanta) to classes at local dungeons and sex shops, there are always people teaching kinky tricks. I am always amazed at what I learn after a weekend of classes at Frolicon.

Last but not least, there are always good, old fashioned books.  I’ve found, when searching for books on BDSM, it is best to have a specific topic in mind, or your search will be clouded by a hundred 50 Shades of Grey knock offs.

Mentorship:

Go into chat rooms and ask people for advice. Get a fetlife.com profile and join some of the discussion groups. I’m pretty sure they have a bunch for newbies. You can also seek out one or two, or a group, of people who you see as very knowledgable and ask them to take you under his/their wings. I know quite a few Doms that have apprentices, or are training someone. Sometimes this is formal and sometimes this is not.

In my life, I don’t have mentors, per say, but people that I relate to very strongly in my BDSM aesthetic, from whom I ask advice when I am feeling confused. This is includes Dominants and submissives. Goddess Phoenix and anne-within, I’m just gonna call you guys out as being awesome:)

You can also find this by going to local munches, play parties, and other kinky social events. I love watching peoples different styles of play and Domination. Munches are an amazing way to talk to kinky people in a vanilla, nonthreatening setting.

Practice:

As with everything you just need to practice. Remember, being nervous and not knowing what you are doing are not signs that you are not Dominant. The biggest difference, that I’ve seen, between experienced Doms and newbies is not the number of mistakes they make, but how they handle them. Experienced Doms are constantly expanding their repertoire, concepting and trying new things, a lot of which they have never attempted before. Which means they fuck up just as much as a newbie Dom. But a newbie, when he makes a mistake, will typically step out of his Dominant energy and apologize profusely, whereas an experienced Dom will just give an honest apology, check in with the bottom to make sure she/he is doing ok, correct the mistake, and move on.

Hope this helps!

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